So you want to visit a black hole. You’ve packed your bags, you've updated your passport, and you’re basically ready to jump on a spaceship and blast off. However, before you do that, I have just one piece of advice: Don’t.

Ok…if you really MUST go, I suppose you should at least know a few things about black holes before you leave.

First, you should know exactly what a black hole IS. A black hole is a physical object in space, just like everything else. It’s made up of a tiny but massive point where gravity and density are infinite, a line beyond which everything, including light, can only fall INTO that tiny point, and sometimes some glowing stuff orbiting around it and maybe some radiation. So basically, here is kinda bad, here is really bad, and here is safe.

Also, black holes mostly come in two sizes. Don’t ask me why—we still aren’t sure. However, a black hole is also NOT a lot of things. It is not a hole, a cosmic vacuum cleaner, a portal to another dimension populated by unicorns and space potatoes, and absolutely NOT a good place to vacation.

Ok, fine. I guess next you’ll need to know how to FIND a black hole.

Though technically black holes could just sneak up behind you, they likely won’t. The nearest known one is 3,000 light-years away anyway. However, if you WERE to go looking for one, there are a couple of good ways to find them. First, black holes tend to mess with their environments, so you can sometimes use interesting clues, such as A bunch of stuff orbiting what appears to be…nothing.

And second, as we mentioned before, there’s often glowing stuff orbiting around them, caused by, well, when things get too close. So now that you’ve FOUND a black hole and CLEARLY aren’t listening to me saying not to go, it’s time for a few important safety considerations. First of all, the GOOD news is that as long as you stay far away, black holes aren’t all that bad.

However, as you get close, you need to keep a few things in mind. The radiation near the black hole can be extremely deadly, the chances of escape get slimmer the closer you get, and, if you get close enough, you now have to worry about being stretched into a giant noodle and time getting really weird. So, unless you have great radiation shields, a faster-than-light spaceship, or you’re completely indestructible, you should probably just stay away. Well, that pretty much sums up black holes — at least, before things start getting really complicated. But, before you go for real, please refer to the handy brochure in your spacesuit pocket, since there’s quite a bit to remember.

Now then, remember your tickets, enjoy your trip, and please … be careful.